Šala dneva (2)

[Lisbona]

Babica nasloni svoj bicikel na steno pred trgovino, in to točno tam, kjer

piše: "Ne naslanjaj koles ob steno!"

Policaj zagleda kršitev:

"Ja, mamca, kaj ne vidite, da tu piše, da ne smete naslanjati koles ob

steno!" "Ah, gospod policaj, na te napise pa jaz nič več ne dam!

Zadnjič je na naši drvarnici pisalo, kurc te gleda, pa sem vsa drva

premetala in ga nikjer ni bilo"

 

 

Tale babica...

[emmzi]

Mali Janezek si je strašno želel 100 evrov. Vsak dan je prosil Boga,da mu jih pošlje, ampak jih ni in ni dobil. Pa se odloči, da mu bo poslal pismo. Ker na pošti niso vedeli kaj bi s pismom, naslovljenim na Boga, so ga poslali vladi.

 

Janšo je pismo ganilo in se odloči, da bo poslal 5 evrov, ker kaj bi

mali Janezek s toliko denarja. In tako Janezek dobi 5 evrov; navdušen

nad odgovorom se odloči poslati pismo zahvale:

 

Dragi Bog!

Zahvaljujem se Ti, ker si mi poslal denar. Samo prosim te, ne pošiljaj več preko vlade, ker mi je banda pokvarjena, pobrala 95 evrov.

Tvoj Janezek

 

 

Gresta diamantek in kepica zlata po kupu sodra. Pa pravi diamantek kepici zlata:

- Mater, tu se pa sami klosarji zbirajo !

 

 

"Mravlje delajo brez odmora več kot 12 ur dnevno," razlaga učitelj

biologije svojim učencem.

"Kaj nam to pove?"

"Da imajo nesposoben sindikat," odgovori Bučko.

[Lisbona]

*HRABROST 1:* prideš domov pijan sredi noči, žena te čaka z metlo. Ti pa

vprašaš:"Pometaš ali se pripravljaš, da boš nekam odletela?"

 

 

*HRABROST 2: *prideš domov zjutraj in dišiš po ženskem parfumu in imaš

šminko na srajci. Ti pa: usekaš ženo po riti in izjaviš: "Ti si naslednja".

 

 

*HRABROST 3:* prideš domov sredi noči. Žena že v postelji, ampak še ne

spi. Vzameš stol in se usedeš pred njo. Ona te vpraša: "Kaj zdaj to

delaš?" Ti pa: "Hočem biti v prvi vrsti, ko se bo začel cirkus."

 

 

 

[*Zarya*]

Pride Janezek domov ves razburjen in začne kričati: "Mama, mama! Oči se je pa obesu na vrtu!" Mama leti vsa panična ven pogledat, pa ne vidi ničesar in vprašujoče pogleda Janezka, češ kaj ji naklada. Janezek pa: "1. april v kleti se je!"

[emmzi]

Pri kirurgu Tinetu doma pozvoni telefon. Dvigne slušalko in sliši glas svojega delovnega kolega:

"Dober večer, Tine. Ali prideš na partijo pokra? Dva sva že, še eden nama manjka."

"Takoj pridem!" zavpije hitro v telefon.

"Kaj pa se je zgodilo?" ga vpraša žena.

"Težak primer, draga. Dva doktorja sta že tam."

[majica]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

 

 

Joooooooj ta pa ubijaaaaaaaa!!!! :wOOt:

[Guest Jeti]

Ženska pride na zavod,da bi dobila socialni podporo.In uslužbenec jo vpraša:

"Koliko otrok imate?"

"Deset sami fantje."odgovori ženska.

"Naštejte jih po imenu." se spravi pisat uslužbenec.

"Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,"odgovori ona.

"Vsem je ime Janko?"se začudi uslužbenec.

"Kaj pa naredite,ko jih pokličete na primer jest?"

"Pokličem Janko in vsi hkrati pridejo."

"Že,že,kaj pa če kličete le enega?"

"Preprosto,takrat ga pokličem po očetovem priimku."

 

[*Zarya*]

Je pisal norec mami iz norišnice:

"Draga mama, tukaj je zelo lepo. Ful se zabavamo, pa sonček nam sije cele dneve. Zdaj so nam učitelji odprli celo bazen in cele dneve plavamo v njem, se potapljamo in skratka uživamo. Učitelji so rekli, da če bomo pa pridni, nam bojo pa še vodo not nalil."

[emmzi]

tegale sm slišala 2 min nazaj:

 

Kakšne volje je bil Hitler?

.

.

.

.

.

ŽIDANE

[alef]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

 

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

 

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

 

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

 

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don' t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

 

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[alef]

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.

 

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

 

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

 

http://www.cosgan.de/images/smilie/konfus/a080.gif

[nimbus]

si postavta zobozdravnik in cigan povsem enaki, novi bajti v okolici Novega mesta. in tako se eno lepo, sončno nedeljo srečata na vrtu in malo pomodrujeta.

pa pravi cigan: "ti, sosed, kolk ti misleš, da je tale tvoja bajtica kej vredna?"

pa prav sosed: "ja, kaj pa vem... tam okol pol miljona evrov"

"kaj?", vzklikne cigan. "moja že, ampak tvoja... dragi moj, tu se pa motiš!"

"kako, motim", se začudi sosed. "saj sta popolnoma identični!"

"to že. samo jaz imam zobozdravnika za soseda, ti pa cigana" se zareži cigo.

 

[alef]

:vragec: mehehe xexexe (to je en zloben smeh)

 

To tudi...

[alef]

Kako blondinko zaposliš za cel dan?

Na list papirja ji na obe strani napišeš OBRNI!

[majica]

Ženska pride na zavod,da bi dobila socialni podporo.In uslužbenec jo vpraša:

"Koliko otrok imate?"

"Deset sami fantje."odgovori ženska.

"Naštejte jih po imenu." se spravi pisat uslužbenec.

"Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,Janko,"odgovori ona.

"Vsem je ime Janko?"se začudi uslužbenec.

"Kaj pa naredite,ko jih pokličete na primer jest?"

"Pokličem Janko in vsi hkrati pridejo."

"Že,že,kaj pa če kličete le enega?"

"Preprosto,takrat ga pokličem po očetovem priimku."

 

 

Bogi janko....

[Aeval]

Se mi dozdeva, da bi to lahko nekam drugam prilepla, ampak po pravici povedano, sem pozabila kam

 

V glavnem:

facebook-anti-song

xsmx

[alef]

Friday afternoon, the rush hour bus is jam-packed with commuters.

 

Everyone was feeling like sardines in a can.

 

People stood face-to-face, back-to-back.

 

A young woman was wearing a miniskirt was feeling particularly uncomfortable with her situation.

 

As if feeling discomfort, a construction worker behind her said, "Pardon me, miss, but that thing pressing into your back is my weekly pay ... today they only paid us hard cash!"

 

"I don't mind your hard cash," replied the woman, "but how do you explain your pay increase since the last stop?"

 

[klarus]

V reki Savi so našli utopljenega policaja.

V njegovem žepu so našli listek s sporočilom: "Kupi kruh, mleko, dva

jogurta. Spotoma skoči pa še v Savo pogledat, če so pršle zimske gume"

[Lisbona]

EVOLUCIJA

 

-ko sem bil star 14 let,sem upal,da bom nekega dne imel dekle.

-s 16 leti sem imel dekle,pa se ugotovil,da potrebujem strastno dekle.

-na faksu sem imel strastno dekle,a je bilo preveč čustveno.Vse je bilo dramatično,neprestano je jokalo in grozilo s samomorom.Tedaj sem ugotovil,da potrebujem stabilno osebo.

-s 25.sem našel stabilno dekle,a je bilo dolgočasno,popolnoma predvidljivo in nikdar se ni nič razburjalo.Moje življenje je postalo tako monotono,da sem ugotovil,da potrebujem bolj razburljivo dekle.

-z 28. sem našel vznemirljivo dekle,a nisem vzdržal njenega ritma.Neprestano me je presenečalo in me je v enaki meri osrečevalo kot žalostilo.Ni imelo nikakršnih življenskih načrtov niti ciljev.In tako sem se odločil,da poiščem dekle ,ki ve kaj hoče.

-ko sem dopolnil 31.let,sem našel pametno,ambiciozno dekle,ki je trdno stalo na zemlji in z njo sem se poročil.Bilo je zelo sposobno in hitro se je ločilo ter mi vzelo vse ,kar sem imel.

Sedaj sem star in bolj moder in iščem samo blondinke z velikim oprsjem.

[vranja]

..ni se mi dalo prevajat, ampak je res dober:

 

Ide crnac ulicom i nađe osobnu iskaznicu...

Uze je i pročita: Leonardo Di Caprio. Stavlja osobnu u džep i produži

dalje.

U šetnji naiđe na policijsku patrolu i pošto policajac zatraži

legitimaciju, on greškom izvaki onu drugu od Di Capria i dade policajcu.

Gleda policajac u osobnu - pa u crnca - i ništa mu nije jasno.

Odjednom uze motorolu i zove šefa:

"ŠEFE, MOLIM VAS JE LI ONAJ TITANIK POTONUO ILI IZGORIO"??!

 

[HčiLune]

Po Avstraliji skače kenguru in se vsakih sto metrov ustavi. Iz njegove vreče pokuka pingvinček in bruha kot nor.

 

Na Antarktiki med skupino pingvinov sedi kengurujček, občasno kihne in

zagodrnja:

"Klinc pa ta izmenjava študentov!".

[dbk]

Moja E_mail BILANCA 2007:

 

 

Zelel bi se zahvaliti vsem prijateljem, ki so mi

poslali verizni mail, saj

sem z njihovo pomocjo:

 

- izvedel 175 krat, da bosta Gmail in Hotmail ukinila

moj naslov

 

- zbral 3317 let nesrece in umrl 67 krat, ker nisem

poslal teh mailov naprej

 

 

- ko izstopim iz Merkatorja, ne pogledam nikamor in

nikogar, da me ne bi

ugrabili in prodali moje ledvice na crnem trgu

 

- imam vec kreditov na banki, ker sem hotel pomagati

Amy Bruce da bi se

koncno, ze 89-tic operirala in ji s tem resil

zivljenje (uboga deklica ima

se vedno 8 let in to od 1997)

 

- se vedno cakam, da mi odgovorni za marketing iz

Nokie poslje se tako

zasluzen telefoncek. Ravno tako iz Sony Ericsson

 

- podpisal sem se se z ostalimi 5000 osebami pod

peticijo, da bi resil

izumrtja rdeco pritlikavo bolho iz Zimbabweja

 

- koncno poznam formulo za vecno ljubezen: napisi ime

ljubljene osebe na

list papirja, izgovori ga 15 krat, nato si z njim

brisi rit medtem, ko delas 30 krogov okoli Fiat Pande,

zelene barve letnik 86 v smeri urinega kazalca.

 

prebedel sem 98 noci, da bi ujel zloglasni virus

"SuperMega destructor" ki

ga Microsoft, Mac Afee in Norton niso mogli uniciti in

ki bi pozrl moj hard

disk, TV, kafetjero, vibrator moje zene in elektricno

zobno scetko

 

 

CE NE POSLJES NAPREJ TA E-MAIL V NASLEDNJIH 10

SEKUNDAH 8736 OSEBAM, JUTRI ZJUTRAJ, OB 17 H 68 MIN,

BO DINOZAVER MUTANT IZ VESOLJA VDRL V TVOJO DNEVNO

SOBO IN POZRL CELO TVOJO DRUZINO.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

--

to je to

[alef]

Two Jehova's witnesses were going door to door.

 

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

 

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

 

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.

 

Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her.

 

She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

 

But the door still didn't close.

 

Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

 

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

 

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

 

[free]

true!

 

After Sex Comments & Astrology

Astrology Humour

 

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

 

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

 

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

 

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

 

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

 

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

 

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

 

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

 

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

 

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

 

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

 

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

[klarus]

Nek moški se pridruži nudistični koloniji, se prvi dan v kampu sleče

in se sprehodi naokrog. Sreča krasno blondinko in hočeš nočeš, se mu dvigne.

Ženska opazi erekcijo in ga vpraša: "Si me klical?"

Moški odgovori: "Ne, zakaj vprašaš?"

Ženska odgovori: "Tu obstaja pravilo, da če moški dobi erekcijo,

pomeni, da me je klical."

Ženska leže in dovoli moškemu, da jo poseksa.

Tip nadaljuje z ogledom kampa in konča v savni. Sede in pošteno prdne.

Velik dlakav moški se prikotali do njega in vpraša: "Si me klical?"

Moški odgovori, da ga ni potreboval.

"Tu velja pravilo, da če prdneš, pomeni, da si me klical," odgovori velikan.

Moškega obrne in ga pošteno nategne.

Novopečeni nudist se privleče do recepcije in zakriči: "Dajte mi

tistih 100.000 nazaj. Mene več ne boste videli!"

"Toda gospod," je začudena receptorka, "ali vam naš kamp ni všeč?"

"Poslušaj mladenka," se razburi možak, "Star sem 68 let. Dvigne se mi

enkrat na mesec, prdnem pa 15 krat na dan. Jaz hočem domov!"