Šala dneva (2)

[mayan]

Moz: "Zena, dajva se igrati Big Brotherja."

Zena: "No, pa dajva."

Moz: "Govori ti Big Brother. Imaš dve minuti casa, da zapustiš hišo."

 

[dbk]

zdaj, ko bo nogomet spet aktualen.....

 

 

 

 

Finale svetovnega prvenstva v nogometu, stadion je popolnoma razprodan.

 

Nek gledalec se pa cudi, zakaj je sedez zraven njega prazen.

 

Vprasa moskega, ki sedi en sedez naprej, kako je to mogoče.

 

Ta mu odgovori :

 

"Pravzaprav imam jaz karto za ta sedez. Bila je za mojo zeno, ki je 40 let vedno hodila z mano na vse tekme, zdaj pa je nenadoma umrla.".

 

"Oprostite, moje iskreno sozalje. Ampak, ali nimate kakega drugega sorodnika ali prijatelja, ki bi mu lahko dali karto ?"

 

"Ne. Vsi so na pogrebu."

[nimbus]

kaj reče brezposeln filozof zaposlenemu filozofu... ha

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"dej mi dva čiza, eno kokakolo in tamal pomfri x!x "

 

 

[Aeval]

remote ... remote control ... daljinski upravljalnik ...

(lahko pa tud mimo piham )

[mayan]

Angleščina

 

What is your name, girl?

-Carmen.

-What?

-Carmen.

-That's very unusual name. Who gave it to you?

-I gave it myself. I like cars and men, so I'm Carmen. What is

your name?

-Beerfuck.

[enapačtaka]

Končno vic o blondincu

Blondinec se prezgodaj vrne iz službe domov in iz spalnice zasliši čudne zvoke. Steče po stopnicah in na postelji zagleda golo, prepoteno in sopihajočo ženo.

 

"Kaj se dogaja?" vpraša.

 

"Srčni napad imam!" zasopiha žena.

 

Blondinec se zapodi do telefona in ko ravno vtipka 112, priteče k njemu njegov 4-letni sin: "Ati, ati! Stric Stane se skriva popolnoma gol v tvoji omari!". Blondinec jezno odloži slušalko, odkoraka v spalnico in odpre omaro. Zagleda popolnoma golega brata, ki sedi v omari in z rokami zakriva mednožje.

 

"Ti prasec, ti," reče blondinec, "moja žena ima srčni napad, ti pa skačeš popolnoma gol po bajti in strašiš otroka!"

[h3x0r]

Ha ... ta pa je res smeh.... blondinke rox !

[alef]

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.

Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies.

"They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

 

[vranja]

So a pedofile, a rapist, and a preacher walk into a bar.

 

And that was just the first guy.

 

 

[alef]

Viagra Side Effects

 

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

 

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."

 

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

 

[MojcaPokraculja]

Stari ženički je zobozdravnik v petek naredli nove zobe, v ponedeljek že pride z zlomljeno protezo.

"Ja gospa kaj ste pa delala?"

Tako je bilo:

"Ker sem imela tako lepe zobe me je mož na večerjo peljal.Pa mi je po nesreči v juho padla.Pri sosednji mizi se mi je mularija smejala.Nahrulila sem jih pa mi eden reče:Stara če nauš tih te bom po pički! Pa sem se primla za p... me je pa na gobec !

[kyllah]

My love,

There's only you in my life

The only thing that's bright

 

My first love,

You're every breath that I take

You're every step I make

 

And I

(I-I-I-I-I)

I want to share

All my love with you

No one else will do...

 

And your eyes

Your eyes, your eyes

They tell me how much you care

Ooh yes, you will always be

My endless love

 

Two hearts,

Two hearts that beat as one

Our lives have just begun

 

Forever

(Ohhhhhh)

I'll hold you close in my arms

I can't resist your charms

 

And love

Oh, love

I'll be a fool

For you,

I'm sure

You know I don't mind

Oh, you know I don't mind

 

'Cause you,

You mean the world to me

Oh

I know

I know

I've found in you

My endless love

 

Oooh-woow

Boom, boom

Boom, boom, boom, boom, booom

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom

 

Oooh, and love

Oh, love

I'll be that fool

For you,

I'm sure

You know I don't mind

Oh you know-

I don't mind

 

And, YES

You'll be the only one

'Cause NO one can deny

This love I have inside

And I'll give it all to you

My love

My love, my love

My endless love

 

 

 

 

http://www.silliness.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/loldog.jpg

[kyllah]

http://buzznet-89.vo.llnwd.net/assets/imgx/1/1/7/1/4/4/1/orig-1171441.jpg

 

mama, dada, in sinko... in tretji na poti...

[Mitra]

Zjutraj je mamica pripravljala zajterk, knjige, torbe ...za svoje dva malčka.

 

Zazvonil je telefon, klicali so jo iz ginekološke anbulante, če se lahko pol ure pred dogovorjenim zglasi na pregledu.

Odgovor je bil pritrdilen.

 

Seveda si je umila spodnji del, pograbila hčerkino brisačo da se obriše in napravi.

Ko je oddala otroke v vrtec in šolo, je bil ravno dogovorjen čas za pregled.

 

Sledi postopek slačenja, pogovora, komatanja na stol.......

 

Nakar pravi gospod doktor "danes ste se pa posebaj potrudili za pregled!"

Mamici nič jasno, ampak vredu. Mogoče pa res.

 

Ko so otroci prišli iz šole in vrtca, je hčerka na vsak način želela svojo brisačo.

Mamico je zanimalo zakaj hoče ravno to brisačo, zakaj ne druge, ker je prva že v pranju.

 

Potem pravi hčer "Mami a veš, tam notri so bile vse moje bleščice!"

[kyllah]

http://www.twitfall.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/fights.jpg

[kyllah]

http://funnyjoke.files.wordpress.com/2007/01/image0021.jpg

 

špariš se ša ajšwara, pa je

[alef]

Trial of the Nuns

 

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

 

 

 

http://shrani.si/f/1t/lT/4MZ9IxSX/381alchoholic9304806.jpg

 

[dbk]

Martinovo je bilo. Lojze ga je že cel dan in dober del noči žingal v vaški oštariji.

 

Miha, oštir, mu reče: Ejga Lojze, dost je blo, ne nalijem ti več.<

Lojze reče: Maš prav, grem pa domov.<

Zavrti se na barskem stolčku, stopi dol .. in pade naravnost na nos.

Drek frdaman,< reče in se potegne nazaj gor na stol in otrese prah z reklca.

 

Poskusi narediti en korak proti vratom - in spet pade na nos. Drek, drek, drek.. se priduša.

 

Gleda proti vratom in si misli - samo da pridem ven, na svež zrak, pa bo bolje.

 

Po trebuhu se splazi do vrat in se potegne gor ob podboju. Pogleda ven, zajame svež zrak, takoj se počuti bolje.

Pogumno poskusi narediti korak na pločnik - in spet pade na nos.

O, moj Jezus, kwa sem zjeban,< si reče.

Ozre se naokoli in opazi, da je njegova hiša samo par deset metrov stran.

Zato se odloči, da se bo kar splazil do tam. Nekako pripleza do kljuke, odpre vrata in pade not.

 

Ozre se naokoli, pogleda na stopnišče, in si reče: Ni šans.<

Raje se po trebuhu splazi po stopnicah do spalnice, poskusi vstati, in spet pade na nos.

 

Nazadnje se splazi do postelje, poskusi spet vstati, pade na nos, si reče: Jebiga..< in se zvrne nanjo.

.

 

Naslednje jutro mu v spalnico prinese njegova žena skodelico kave in reče:

Jutro Lojze ! Včeri si se ga pa kar dobr nalezel, anede ?< Lojze zamrmra: O ja, totalno sem se ga prbil. Kako pa veš ?<

Hm, ja, Miha je klical. Pravi da si pozabil invalidski voziček v oštariji!<

[Sweet_Honey]

Hmm dons pa frendica prbije:

 

Ja tuki so sosedje čisto kul, sam vmes je kakšnih par gnojev, ki pa skrbijo da cvetje lepše raste.

[h3x0r]

Smeh.

[alef]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota.

 

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

 

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

 

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

 

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!"

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule.'"

 

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

 

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

 

He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

 

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

 

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

 

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto his feet.

 

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[alef]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

 

The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

 

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

 

So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

 

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and the boyfriend said "My hands are freezing cold."

 

The girl said "Put them between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm them up".

 

So he did and warmed his hands.

 

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

 

He said "My nose is cold."

 

The girl replied "Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up."

 

So he did and his nose began to get warm.

 

He lifted his head up from between the girls legs and said "Do you know what? I think my penis is frozen solid"

 

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

 

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

 

The daughter replies, "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

 

[janif]

[Marsa]

Vremenska napoved:

 

Maribor, 28 oC, pretežno jasno,

Kranj, 27 oC, oblačno,

predor Šentvid, 26 oC, trenutno ne pada....

Je bil objavljen javni razpis za podizvajalca pri gradnji šentviškega predora. Nanj se prijavijo Francoska, Italijanska in Bosanska ekipa ki vrtajo tunele.

Na pogovor so prvi povabljeni Francozi. Na vprašanje kako oni izvedejo dela, odgovorijo:

 

-Ena skupina začne vrtat na eni strani, druga skupina na drugi strani. Na sredini ko se srečamo, lahko kiksnemo za max en meter. Živinam pri SCT-ju se to zdi fino. Kaj pa je en meter, malo lopato v roke pa bo.

 

Drugi so na pogovor povabljeni Italijani in na isto vprašanje odgovorijo: -Ena skupina začne vrtat na eni strani, druga skupina na drugi strani. Na sredini ko se srečamo, lahko kiksnemo za max pol metra.

 

SCT-ju se zdo odgovor še boljši. Pol metra ni nič!

 

Kot zadnja pride ekipa iz Bosne, katera je bila navsezadnje tudi izbrana za podizvajalca. Na zastavljeno vprašanje kako oni delajo tunele, odgovorijo: - Jedna grupa počnije sa jedne strane, druga grupa počnije sa druge strane.

 

Ako Bog da da se sretnemu u redu, ako ne, imate dva tunela za istu cijenu!

:D

[dbk]

ni ravno sala, ampak bolj kruta resnica, pa kljub temu, no

 

Zakaj ženske v povprečju živijo 8 let dlje?

 

...ker jim je bog povrnil čas, ki so ga porabile za parkiranje avta.