Šala dneva (2)

[Brezo]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?" http://www.lunin.net/forum//public/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.png

[Simon Whitechapel]

https://www.facebook.com/RadioAntena.si/videos/vb.5877578119/10153810469088120/?type=2&theater ​

[Silica]

30 Actual Sentences Found In Patients Hospital Charts

 

 

 

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

3. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by DR. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[Silica]

[Silica]

http://shrani.si/f/3l/VT/3rhZUHfU/179649910152675472759062.jpg

[Silica]

http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aE7N6Bo_700b_v1.jpg

[Silica]

[alef]

Kako usrećiti muškarca?

1. Nahrani ga
2. Spavaj s njim
3. Pusti ga na miru
4. Ne provjeravaj njegov telefon
5. Ne provjeravaj gdje se kreće
Jel to neki problem? Naravno da nije!

Kako usrećiti ženu?
Nije ni to nikakav problem...
Kako bi usrećio ženu muškarac treba samo biti:

1. prijatelj
2. suputnik
3. ljubavnik
4. brat
5. otac
6. gospodar
7. kuhar
8. električar
9. vodoinstalater
10. mehaničar
11. stolar
12. dekorater
13. stilist
14. seksolog
15. ginekolog
16. psiholog
17. istrebljivač štetočina
18. psihijatar
19. iscjelitelj
20. dobar slušatelj
21. organizator
22. dobar otac
23. vrlo čist
24. suosjećajan
25. atletski građen
26. topao
27. pažljiv
28. galantan
29. inteligentan
30. smiješan
31. kreativan
32. nježan
33. jak
34. pun razumijevanja
35. tolerantan
36. razborit
37. ambiciozan
38. sposoban
39. hrabar
40. odlučan
41. pravi muškarac
42. pouzdan
43. strastven

NE zaboravite:
44. redovite komplimente
45. ići u kupovinu s njom
46. biti iskren
47. biti vrlo bogat
48. ne uzrujavati je
49. ne gledati na druge djevojke
A u isto vrijeme, također bi trebao:
50. dati joj puno pažnje
51. dati joj puno vremena, posebno vrijeme za nju
52. dati joj puno prostora, nikad ne
pitati kud ide.

Ali najviše od svega, vrlo je VAŽNO:
53. nikada ne zaboraviti:
* rođendane
* godišnjice
* Valentinovo
* sve što ona isplanira za vas

I to je to!

[alef]

Mužu je rođendan i žena ga pita što bi htio kao poklon.
On kaže: "Pušku!"
- Ma, kakva puška! Ne može.
- Ipak, ja bih pušku...
- Rekla sam ti - puška NE!
- Ali ja bih pušku.
- Rekla sam ti, nema šanse da dobiješ pušku! Pa, tko ovdje odlučuje - ti ili ja?
- Pa ti. Ali, kad bih imao pušku...!!!

[Silica]

[alef]

Pita Mujo crnca:Kako to da ja ne mogu napraviti crno dijete?
Jel' ti dug 25cm?
Nije!
A jel' ti širok 6 cm?
Nije ni to!
Pa, čovječe, ulazi ti svjetlo!!!!

[Boudika]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlT0RFPAdYI

[alef]

http://shrani.si/f/1s/7w/GA0V36r/001.png

[alef]

Janez: ˝Oče grešil sem, pobral sem štoparko in takoj ko je prisedla je začela koketirati z menoj. Jaz pa sem ˝pritisnil na gas" in jo zapeljal direktno do njenega doma.˝
Duhovnik: ˝Pa dobro, kje si grešil?˝
Janez: ˝V mislih - sveti oče!"
Duhovnik: ˝Dobro, dobro, zdaj pa pojdi domov in za pokoro spij tri kante vode.˝
Janez: ˝Ampak oče, kdo lahko spije toliko vode za pokoro?˝
Duhovnik: ˝VOL, dragi Janez, vol."

[alef]

Ne razpravljaj z idioti... http://www.lunin.net/forum//public/style_emoticons/default/partyy.gif

 

https://www.facebook.com/animallovers.007/videos/1613338908996395/

[alef]

http://shrani.si/f/1u/2o/YZidLm2/unnamed-02.png

[alef]

Bog je ustvaril kravo.
Rekel ji je: ''Morala boš na polje s kmetom in tam ves dan trpeti
na vročem soncu; morala boš imeti teleta in dajati kmetu mleko.
Določam ti življenjsko dobo 60 let.''
Krava je dejala: ''Tole življenje je dosti pretežko, da bi zdržala 60 let.
Zmeniva se za 20 let, jaz pa ti vrnem preostalih 40 let.''
Bog se je strinjal.
Drugi dan je Bog ustvaril psa.
Bog mu je rekel: ''Ti boš ves dan sedel pred vrati gospodarjeve hiše in
lajal na vsakogar, ki pride mimo. Dajem ti življenjsko dobo 20 let.''
Pes mu odvrne: ''Veš, 20 let je pa kar malo preveč, če bom moral vse
življenje lajati. Daj mi 10 let, jaz pa ti vrnem preostalih 10 let.''
In Bog je ze spet privolil.
Tretjega dne je Bog ustvaril opico.
Bog ji je rekel: ''Ti boš zabavala ljudi in uganjala norčije, da se ti bojo
smejali. Tudi tebi dajem 20 let.''
Opica pa mu odvrne: ''Kaj?!? 20 let uganjanja norčij? To je vendar
dolgočasno. Pes ti je vrnil polovico svojih let, zato ti jih bom tudi jaz,
prav?''
In Bog je že spet privolil.
Na četrti dan je Bog ustvaril človeka.
Rekel mu je: ''Jej, spi, igraj se in se zabavaj, seksaj in uživaj. Nič ti ni
treba početi. Ves čas samo uživaj. Tudi tebi dam 20 let.''
človek se razburi: ''Kaj?!?! Samo 20 let?! To pa že ne. Veš kaj, vzel bom
svojih 20, pa še tistih 40 od krave, pa 10 od psa in 10 od opice.
Tako bom imel skupaj 80 let. Velja?''
''Prav'', je rekel Bog.
Zato torej prvih 20 let v glavnem spimo, jemo, se igramo, zabavamo, seksamo,
uživamo in nič ne delamo. Naslednjih 40 let suženjsko garamo, da preživimo
svojo družino. Nato 10 let uganjamo opičje norčije, da zabavamo svoje vnuke.
Zadnjih 10 let pa posedamo pred hišo in lajamo na vsakogar, ki pride mimo.

[Silica]

http://shrani.si/f/1U/p1/3dwXB8cp/136806551015434191538969.jpg

[Silica]

Tko nekako, ja.

[alef]

https://www.facebook.com/viralthread/videos/703096969862989/

 

No comment...

[krokodil]

Donald Trump, this guy has an ego.

When Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.

[alef]

http://shrani.si/f/Q/lz/46odrSNu/297933441021464704959751.jpg

[alef]

http://shrani.si/f/3m/XE/3JJc8TJm/322947071020975083960275.jpg

 

http://shrani.si/f/3a/SR/gnTAiyA/319459221020970337589619.jpg

[alef]

Tale paše k oni prvi iz prejšnje objave

 

http://shrani.si/f/N/EQ/150RrX0D/323326101020975061279708.jpg

 

Navijačem Olimpije najbrž nobena ne bo smešna...

[alef]

http://shrani.si/f/3y/13Z/4KJk1Sna/unnamed.png