Šala dneva (2)

[alef]

Se pogovarjata dve penzionistki

"končno sem dosegla da je moj mož nehal gristi nohte" pravi ena.

"kako ti je pa to uspelo?" vpraša druga.

"Skrila sem mu zobe"

 

[alef]

Gneča na cesti. stoječa kolona.

Moški z neko posodo hodi od avta do avta.

"Kaj se dogaja?" ga vpraša nekdo ko mu potrka na okno

"Teroristi so ugrabili Janšo. Zahtevajo milijon € ali pa ga bodo polili z bencinom in zažgali"

"In koliko ljudje dajejo?"

"Kakor kdo. Nekdo liter, nekdo dva..."

 

 

[janko]

še mal črnega humorja :-)

 

otrok, star do 12 let... tukaj in zdaj...

gre lahko brez izpolnjenih pogojov Pijem Cel Teden, kamorkoli... razen v šolo :-)

bemumater... kje je blo to takrat, k sem bil jaz star 12 let

[domoljubka]

Janko ... še ena odpuljena za nas - na to temo ... od Artača ... ....

 

MALA TERASA - OTROŠKI PEVSKI ZBOR SONČKI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cVIJbVf830

[alef]

še mal črnega humorja :-)

 

otrok, star do 12 let... tukaj in zdaj...

gre lahko brez izpolnjenih pogojov Pijem Cel Teden, kamorkoli... razen v šolo :-)

bemumater... kje je blo to takrat, k sem bil jaz star 12 let

PCT...

[alef]

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=604485607416170

 

Majstori, majstori...

[alef]

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;

-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.

Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.

With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;

-We have a brave winner.

After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;

-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!

His wife smiled ...

Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."

[alef]

Janez in Marija sta živela v majhni garsonjeri.

Edini način da imata seks je bil da pošljeta svojega 11-letnega sina na balkon da jima govori kaj se dogaja zunaj.

Sin.

"Sosed se vozi s kolesom!

"Jože pelje psa na sprehod!"

Čez nekaj minut:

"Novakovi imajo seks!"

Janez in Marija presenečeno:

"Kako pa veš?"

"Tudi njihov sin je na balkonu!"

 

[alef]

Irish Sawmill Accident

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

Paddy and Mick on long distance flight.

“This is the Captain. We’ve lost one engine, but no worries, we have 3 left and this aircraft can fly safely on 3 engines. But we are going to be 1 hour later reaching our destination”

One hour later, “This is the Captain. We’ve lost another engine, but no worries, we have 2 left and this aircraft can fly safely on 2 engines. But we are going to be 3 hours later reaching our destination”

One hour later, “This is the Captain. We’ve lost another engine, but no worries, we have 1 left and this aircraft can fly safely on 1 engine. But we are going to be 5 hours later reaching our destination”.

Paddy says to Mick “Jesus, Mick, if we loose that last engine we could be up here all night!”

The CEO of a large company was in need of a secretary. He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he playfully decided to test the dog:

- I need a secretary who understands the basics of computers.

The dog went to one of the secretary's desks, climbed on the chair, turned on the router and the computer, in total tranquility. The CEO was amazed, but decided to go further:

- I need a secretary who understands spreadsheets.

The dog quickly opened Excel, grabbed a stack of papers, and started scanning names and contacts. The astonished CEO desperately followed:

- I need a bilingual secretary!

The dog replied:

- Meow.

Prevajat se mi ne da...

[alef]

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."

 

The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

 

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."

 

"Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

 

 

Kdor rabi prevod naj si ga zrihta sam...

[alef]

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia.

 

As he's leaving, the Russian leader tells him that in Russia they have a farewell custom called "Russian Roulette", to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger...click...empty chamber.

 

He hands the revolver to his African guest and says," Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual... click....empty.

 

The next year, the Russian visits the African country. As he's leaving, the African tells him that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has devised an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.

 

The African then disappears through a door, only to reappear a few minutes later smiling and says, "Your turn."

 

The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are 6 of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen.

 

The African explains that he is to choose 1 of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.

 

Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?"

 

The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."

 

 

O prevajanju ne bom več...

 

[alef]

A burglar broke into a house one night. Immediately he heard in the darkness, “My name is Moses and Joshua is watching you.”

 

The burglar almost crapped in his pants. But, from casing the house, he knew the owners were in Europe and there was no one in the house. He looked around and couldn’t see anybody and decided it was just a case a nerves. He continued to burglarize the house.

 

After going through the dinningroom and getting several silver plates, he moved to the livingroom. There he heard the statement again, “My name is Moses and Joshua is watching you.” It sounded like it was coming from the livingroom.

 

Frightened the burglar turned on the lights only to see a bird cage with a parrot inside. The parrot blinked at the burglar and repeated, “My name is Moses and Joshua is watching you.”

 

The burglar started laughing at being scared by a parrot. He turned to the staircase to go upstairs and noticed this very huge Rottweiler sitting at the bottom of the staircase. “My name is Moses,” said the parrot, “and that is Joshua. Sic ‘im Joshua!”

 

Translate... you know...

[alef]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

 

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

 

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

 

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

 

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

 

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

 

[alef]

It was the kindergarten teacher's birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

 

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that it is flowers".

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

 

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

 

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box that was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," replied the little girl,

"It is a puppy”.

 

O prevajanju pa ne bom več...

 

 

 

[alef]

Bill Gates, Elon Musk, The Dalai Lama and a junkie are travelling in a small plane. Suddenly, the plane shudders and shakes, and goes all quiet.

The pilot comes into the cabin and announces, ‘Well chaps, we have an engine failure and are about to crash. We have only four parachutes and I’m taking one. You four sort out the remaining three amongst yourselves.” Saying so he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane.

Elon Musk says, “I hold the future of the world in my hands so I need to live.” He then grabs a parachute and jumps out.

Bill Gates then announces, “I’m the world’s smartest man, so I need to live too.” He grabs another parachute and jumps out.

The Dalai Lama tells the junkie, “Son, I’m old and have lived my life. You are young, so take the remining parachute for yourself.”

The junkie smiles and says, ‘Sir, we have enough parachutes for us both. The world’s smartest man just jumped out with my backpack.”

[alef]

https://ibb.co/MRy0TF2

[alef]

https://ibb.co/3rt0z6w

[domoljubka]

kva - kedu prav ?

[alef]

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

[alef]

Johnny asks his dad how a country runs. His dad thinks and replies, ‘Well, it’s like this. I earn the money in the house, so I’m the rich. Your mom takes care of running the home, so she is the government. The maid is the working class, and your baby brother is the future. And finally you Johnny, are the average citizen.’

That night Johnny is woken up by his baby brother’s cries. He goes to the crib and notices that his brother has soiled his diapers. He runs to his mom and finds her fast asleep. He then goes to the maid’s room and finds her in bed with his father. He returns to his bed.

The next day Johnny tells his dad that he has the working of a country all figured out. His dad asks him to explain.

“A country is where an average citizen can’t get proper sleep as the rich are screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep and the future is full of shit,” Johnny explains.

Vsaka podobnost z realnostjo je samo... ... naključna...

[alef]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed, and said "You Americans.

You are such a rude class of people.

Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady.

May I sit there?

I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!

Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[alef]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[alef]

Covid was well behind them, and Luigi, Paddy and Hamish were celebrating in a pub. Their conversation ran as follows:

“I know the best bar in the world;” declared Hamish. “It’s in bonnie Glasgow and if you buy a drink, then buy another drink, and then another, Wee Willie the barman gives you the fourth drink completely free. Och aye. It’s the only bar in Scotland as good as that.”

Luigi said “That’s a-nothin’. I know a bar in Milano where if you buy a drink, Silvio the barman gives you the next one for free. You then buy another drink, and the one after that is for free as well. We Italians know that all the best bars are in Italy.”

“To be sure, to be sure;” Paddy interjected. “The best bars are all in Dublin. I know one bar which leaves all that for standing. The barman gives you your first drink for free. Then he gives you your second drink for free. And the third is free as well. As many as you want. And if you’re in luck he takes you round the back and makes sure you get all the sex you want for free, as well. That, my friends, is the best bar in the world.”

Luigi and Hamish are clearly impressed, “That sure does take some beating,” they both admit. “And have you actually had this amazing drinking experience yourself?”

“Not me personally, ” admitted Paddy, “but my sister has.”

[alef]

https://ibb.co/Rjm2QBd

 

[alef]

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you, ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.