Šala dneva (2)

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"Poznavanje" geografije...

 

https://www.facebook.com/100003585852556/videos/3582037475259079

 

 

 

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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.’ The politician was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

As Mark Twain said: "Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often. And for the same reason.”

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When God created Adam and Eve, He said to them:

“I have two gifts to give you—one is to pee standing up and...”

Adam, very anxious, interrupted him, screaming:

“ME..! ME..! I want it, please, Lord... please... please... please...!! This would make life a lot easier!”

Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her.

So God gave Adam the gift.

Adam was amazed, screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree.

He ran along the beach, making drawings with his pee in the sand.

He lit a fire and played fireman.

God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness until Eve asked God:

“…And... what is the other present?”

And God answered:

“A brain, Eve. The brain is yours...”

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

 

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Old lady posted an advertisement:

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's). MUST NOT BEAT ME. MUST NOT RUN AROUND ME. AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, " you're not really asking me to consider you?... just look at you, you have no legs!" The old man smiled, " therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. " You don't have any hands either."

Again the old man smiled, " Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile, and said, " I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, “An enemy ship is approaching us!” The captain replies calmly, “Go get my red shirt.” The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, “Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?” The captain replies, “If I got injured, my blood shouldn’t be seen, as I didn’t want my men to lose hope.” Just then, another soldier runs up and says, “Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!” The captain calmly replies, “Go bring my yellow pants.”

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Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?”

“Yeah,” says the other cowboy.

“Look,” says the first one, “He’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.”

Just then the Indian looks up. “Covered wagon,” he says, “About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon …”

“Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what’s in the wagon — just amazing!”

The Indian looks up and says, “Ugh … not amazing … wagon ran … over me … 30 minutes ago!”

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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.

Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

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Three nuns were driving round Hampshire. The Mother Superior was at the wheel, crashed into a tree and all three died. They soon arrived at the Pearly Gates.

Waving at St Peter, they explained they were Brides of Christ and asked for prompt admission. “Not so fast, girls” declared the gatekeeper. “We’re choc-a-bloc with dead nuns at the moment. You first have to pass an Entrance Test. But don’t worry; it’s all graded depending on your rank in the Convent.

First up was nun Celia. “And what grade were you in the Convent?” he asked. “Just a novice, St Peter.” “Ah: it’s an easy question for you. When Adam first met Eve in the Garden of Eden what were they wearing?” “Fig Leaves, St. Peter” Celia answered.

St Peter smiled. “Welcome, Sister, to the Kingdom of Heaven”. Next up was Annunciata. “And what grade were you in the Convent, Sister?”

She explained she was a cook. St Peter said: “So it’s a medium question for you. When Adam first met Eve, what fruit did she give him?”. She knew the answer: “It was an apple, St Peter”. Easy-peasy. “Welcome, Sister, to the Kingdom of Heaven.” said the gatekeeper.

Third up was the Mother Superior. St. Peter explained: “With your seniority you get a really hard question. When Eve saw Adam running toward her in the Garden of Eden, what was the very first thing she said?”

The Mother Superior pondered, observing: “Wow, that really is a hard one, St Peter.” Yet to her great surprise he smiled and promptly replied: “Welcome, Sister, to the Kingdom of Heaven.”

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The last hotel

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How did you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed

“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.

“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…”

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A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

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https://ibb.co/QvWGtFz

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Paddy and Mick were having a few beers whilst watching the football at Micks house at full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it is raining really heavily outside……. “Paddy stay here for tonight” says Mick “I’ll go and make up the spare bed for you”. When Mick comes back down stairs he sees Paddy standing there drenched to the bone…. “What the hell has happened to you?” Mick asks. “I went home to get my pyjamas” Paddy replied

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https://ibb.co/jZjwP7h

 

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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that –

you have to be single and

you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

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A policeman is out patrolling and sees a car driving dangerously slow on the highway. He pulls the car over and comes up to see a car full of older ladies.

“Morning officer.”

“Good morning, Ma’am. Do you know the reason I pulled you over?”

“No, sir.”

“You were doing 35 mph on the highway.”

She frowns. “The sign there says 35.”

He holds back a smirk. “That is because it is Highway 35, not 35 mph. The speed limit here is 65 mph.”

“Oh, goodness.”

“I am going to let you off. I hope this has helped.”

“Yes, indeed, officer. Thank you.”

The police officer notices the older ladies with her are quiet, staring straight ahead, and all of them are extremely pale.

“Are your passengers okay?”

The older woman says, “They’re fine, we just got off of 136.”

Za informacijo - 136 mph je 219 km/h...

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A rich American CEO of a Fortune 500 company is vacationing in Mexico in a small coastal village. He sits beside the pier, watching in fascination as the only boat on the water docks and a single fisherman begins unloading his catch: seven large, beautiful yellowfin tuna. Amazed at the quality of the fish, the American compliments the fisherman, and asks how long it took to catch them.

The fisherman replies “Not very long at all, Señor.”

The American then asks “Well… why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?”

The man tells him “Well, I have plenty here to support my family and neighbors.”

“So… what do you do with the rest of your time?” asks the businessman.

“Well, Señor, I sleep late every day. Then, I get up, play with my children, and visit with neighbors. I fish a little. I go home and take a siesta with my wife. Then, I go to the village center, drink tequila, and play guitar and sing with my amigos. I have a very fulfilling life.”

Amazed, the American tells the fisherman “look here, amigo… I have an MBA in business from a prestigious university. I think I can help you out. If you just spend more time fishing, you could afford to buy a bigger boat and hire a helper. The extra money you could bring in by doing that will allow you to eventually buy a whole FLEET of boats and hire people to fish for you. You'd have enough fish coming in that you wouldn't have to sell to a middleman, but directly to the processor. Pretty soon, you could open your own processing facility and even a cannery. You'd control the supply, the processing, and the distribution! You could leave this tiny village and move to Mexico City, then America… heck, you could soon move to New York to run your ever expanding enterprise!”

The fisherman asks the American “Well… how long would this take?”

The CEO replies “oh, I dunno… fifteen, maybe twenty years.”

“But what then?” Asks the man.

“Oh, THEN is when it gets good!” The American rubs his hands together. “You see, THEN you can announce an IPO and sell stock in your company to the public. You'd be rich beyond your wildest dreams! You could make millions… heck, maybe even billions!”

The fisherman cautiously asks “Then what?”

“Ah!” Says the American gleefully, “then you can retire! Move to a small fishing village where you can sleep late every day, play with your kids, fish a little, take siestas with your wife, and drink and play music with your friends all night!”

 

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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

 

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Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.

 

She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

 

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

 

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

 

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

 

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

 

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

 

 

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Three nuns were sitting having breakfast together at the convent,

Sister Agnes, Sister Margaret, and Sister Megan. Sister Agnes and Sister Margaret were in their 60’s. Sister Megan had just come into the Sisterhood right out of high school and was slim and very attractive.

Sister Margaret said, “I was cleaning the room of that new young priest and I noticed a box of condoms on his dresser “.

Sister Agnes replied “I seen those too when it was my turn to clean his room. It disgusted me so I took a pin and poked holes in them”!

Sister Megan promptly fainted.

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Pat goes to confession and tells the priest

“I’ve had sex with a woman who is not my wife”

“What's the woman's name”, asks the priest.

“Oh, I can't tell you that”, says Pat.

“Well I can't give you penance if you don't tell me who it was.”

“Was it Mrs. Gilhooly”?

“No, father, it wasn't.”

“Was it Mrs. Murphy”?

“No, father, it wasn't “

“Was it Mrs. Jones”?

“No, father, it wasn't “

“Well then Pat I can't give you penance “, says the priest.

On the way out Pat meets Seamus.

“Well, Pat, did he give you penance?” asks Seamus.

“No, he didn't, but he gave me three good leads”, says Pat.

 

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Arrived safely

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely.

Unfortunately, he miss-typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

 

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