Šala dneva (2)

[alef]

https://ibb.co/HpqpvkP

 

[alef]

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.

 

He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old, and weak.

 

His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.

 

He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."

 

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"

 

At 4 pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA, and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, and search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

 

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

 

 

[alef]

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.

Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.

In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman.

"But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

 

[alef]

A maid went to a housewife and wanted a higher salary.

Why?! Did the housewife ask.

I have three good reasons – replied the maid.

First, I'm better at ironing shirts than you!

– Who says that?!

– Your husband!! Second, I'm a much better cook than you!

– And who says that?!?

–Your husband! And third, I am better in bed, having sex!

–Oh really? And it's my husband who has said that too!?

–No ma'am, that's what the gardener said...!

–Oh, well, how much of a salary increase did you envisage…?

[alef]

LIE DETECTOR ROBOT.

A father bought a lie detector robot that slap you when you lie. During dinner, he asked his son to try the robot’s efficiency.

Father: How’s school today son?

Son: just fine Dad, learned new things today.

(Suddenly, the robot slaps the son).

Son: yeah I got it! Me and my classmate, we went to watch a movie.

Father: which movie?

Son: errr, ahh, Kung Fu Panda..(and the robot immediately slaps him again).

Son: okay, okay,…we watch a porn movie!

Father: What???? You know when I was your age, we don’t watch any porn movies because it is considered taboo.

(To their surprise, the robot slaps the father hard).

Mother: (laughing out loud) hahaha, I can’t believe you guys! You really are Father and Son..

*Upon hearing that, the robot slaps the mother!…..

 

[alef]

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[alef]

There’s a joke from WWII:

If you have unknown troops in front of you and you want to find out who they are, fire a few rounds in their direction.

If you are met with precision machine gun fire, they’re German.

If you are met by a volley of precision rifle fire, they are British.

If they surrender, they’re Italian.

If there is a mass wave of infantry and tanks, they’re Russian.

If there is a bayonet and sword charge, they’re Japanese.

If everything is quiet for a minute or two, and suddenly you are in the middle of a massive artillery barrage and air strikes, they are American.

[alef]

George Bernard Shaw the playwright was at a literary party way back in the 1930 but was bored.

He approached a very very elegantly dressed upper-class woman and asked “Madam would you sleep with me for £100?” (That was an awfully large amount of money in those days.)

The woman smiled coyly and said, “Yes, of course”.

Shaw walked away without another word.

He returned 30 minutes later and asked the same woman, “Madam would you sleep with me for £1?”

The woman was aghast at the suggestion and demanded to know “What do you think I am?”

Shaw calmly replied,

“Madam I know exactly what you are. I was simply trying to get a good price.”

 

[alef]

A Priest kept chickens at his village.

One evening the cock went missing.

At the church mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, - "Who has a cock?"

All the men got up.

"No, I meant who has seen a cock?"

...All the women got up.

"No, No, Who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?"

...Half the women got up.

"Oh, for Heaven's sake, Who has seen my cock?".

All the nuns got up.

 

[alef]

A blonde rings up an airline.

She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

[alef]

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to di e the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"

"You crafty b*stard," replied the fairy.

Enako bi lahko rekli za naš parlament...

[alef]

Mojca in Andreja, se odločita, da bosta za večerjo spekli hrenovke.
Mojca vzame hrenovke, odreže po en kos na vsaki strani hrenovk in jih da v ponev.

Andreja jo vpraša: - Zakaj si pa odrezala hrenovke na obeh koncih?

Mojca: Nimam pojma, moja mama vedno tako dela.

Pride vikend, Mojca gre domov, doma pa prvo vpraša: - Mama, zakaj ti, ko pečeš hrenovke, jih vedno porežeš na obeh koncih?

- Pa, ne vem zakaj, ampak moja mama je vedno tako delala.

Gre Mojca k babici in jo vpraša isto, babica pa ji odgovori, da je tudi njena mama vedno tako delala.

Izgleda, da je to že družinska tradicija.

Naslednje jutro gre Mojca na obisk k prababici v dom za ostarele.

Oborožena s cvetjem, bonboniero in s polno zalogo potrpljenja.

Stara prababica je bila navdušena, da se je še kdo spomni.

Mojca zbere pogum in vpraša prababico: - Prababica, zakaj moramo pred pečenjem hrenovk ali klobas, vedno te odrezati na obeh krajih?

Prababica: - Ja, a še zdaj niste kupili večje ponve?

[alef]

https://ibb.co/BcGCLnC

https://ibb.co/znPKxV4

 

"Pametni" Američani...

[alef]

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,

" Have a good day, Sir "

[domoljubka]

[alef]

https://ibb.co/YQj5dyL

 

 

[alef]

https://ibb.co/0VDZM89

 

[alef]

https://ibb.co/s2j1zd0

 

[alef]

https://ibb.co/tsFT8Lh

 

[alef]

https://ibb.co/6Drxy2h

 

[alef]

https://ibb.co/X4r8h2b

 

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https://ibb.co/k2L8DTW

 

Dokaz globalnega segrevanja...

[alef]

https://ibb.co/v1xpKZf

 

[alef]

Sprehajalcu je pobegnil pes, pitbul.

Zatekel se je v čakalnico pred zdravniško ordinacijo.

 

Zgodil se je čudež.

V trenutku je ozdravil:

- dva pacienta z išijasom

- tri paciente ki so trpeli zaradi kroničnega zaprtja

- enega pacienta z zvinom gležnja

 

[alef]

https://ibb.co/ccmFSsV